Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Final Cut's Fantastical Flops of 2012

Sitting through a film is one of life's great pleasures, a wondrous way to put our pressing issues on hold and escape to a world of magic and mystery. Or in some cases, straight to the pits of hell – or the outskirts thereof. While I was spared from seeing anything starring Eddie Murphy or Adam Sandler, I did have the indignity of dealing with a number of movies that purported to be more resonant than they actually were. This is no ordinary "Worst of 2012" list, this is largely a compilation of projects that meant to be important but instead were indescribably annoying or even worse, brutally boring. In an effort to mitigate the pain of revisiting them once again, I've simply selected my favorite quotes from my original reviews.

The Final Cut's Bottom 12 of 2012

12. Silver Linings Playbook - "With seemingly everyone involved in the effort delivering a rambling, ranting monologue, I don't blame the guy behind me for snoring through 95% of the thing."

11. Damsels in Distress - "It's part Heathers and part that journalistically-prohibited three-letter acronym that roughly translates to: What The (Blank)?"

10. Taken 2 - "A film that bills itself as a thriller but scores some of biggest soda-spitting laughs of 2012."

9. Beasts of the Southern Wild - "By the time a herd of Godzilla-sized hogs arrive on the scene, it might as well be a Cajun-styled Cloverfield."

8. Being Flynn - "It's a shame the studio didn't choose to keep the original title of the book in place, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City would have been quite fitting for the film."

7. The Deep Blue Sea - "A brutally boring sit that will have you teetering on the edge of a film-induced coma."

6. God Bless America - "A repugnantly-loathsome, self-indulgent, wrathful outlet for writer/director/eons-ago comedian Bobcat Goldthwait to wax poetic about how our nation's priorities are out of whack."

5. The Bourne Legacy - "It's not (Jeremy) Renner's fault the script is a heap of dung."

4. Friends with Kids - "I'd rather have my head stuck in a vise than be forced to sit through another viewing."

3. For a Good Time, Call... - "An inexorably laughless affair that would make a potent interrogation tool."

2. The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure - "Forget Saw, I'd argue this is the most freakishly disturbing outing of Cary Elwes career."

1. Cosmopolis - "If you pay even a single penny to watch the thing, you'll be making the most ill-advised purchase of your natural born life."

The rest of the losers:

Worst director: David Cronenberg (Cosmopolis)

Worst actor: Robert Pattinson (Cosmopolis)

Second worst actor (tie): Tom Hanks (Cloud Atlas), Robert De Niro (Being Flynn)

Worst supporting actor (3-way tie): Adam Scott (Friends with Kids), Goobie (The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure),  Toofie (The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure)

Worst actress: Jennifer Westfeldt (Friends with Kids)

Second worst actress: Lauren Miller (For a Good Time, Call...)

Worst supporting actress (tie): Maggie Grace (Taken 2), Zoozie (The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure)

Most ridiculously overrated film (3-way tie): Silver Linings Playbook, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Moonrise Kingdom

Most overrated actor: The entire cast of Moonrise Kingdom

Most overrated actress: Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)

Worst action film due to its lack of action: The Bourne Legacy

Worst film based on a comic book character: The Amazing Spider-Man