Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Just Shoot Me

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure     Final Cut Score 30%

Disclaimer: If not for the cries of my little ones demanding daddy take them to see The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure, this review would never exist — I'm not exactly the target demo. But for God's sake, if you're going to create something fresh for the pre-K set, couldn't someone at least attempt to make it tolerable for those forced to endure the thing?

Sharing a similar - if less trippy - vibe with the maker's previous concoction, The Teletubbies, the Oogieloves are a trio of Sid and Marty Krofft rejects that live in a Thomas Kinkade-designed abode in the burg of Lovelyloveville with their surly goldfish, a vacuum named J. Edgar (groan) and the decorative accessory wholly responsible for this atrocity: a mumbling, narcoleptic throw pillow.

It seems the threesome of Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie misplaced the five mylar balloons pegged as the centerpiece of the massive birthday blowout planned for said pillow. Instead of sauntering to the nearest Piggly Wiggly or A&P to score some more, the triumvirate of two-bit mascots hit the road on their oversized tricycles, trying track each of the inflatables down.

Enter a parade of D C-list "stars" - Chazz Palminteri, Toni Braxton, Jaime Pressly - and a stream of hyper-extended, insufferable song and dance routines that feel as if they were constructed on the spot. Forget Saw, I'd argue this is the most freakishly disturbing outing of Cary Elwes career.

While I largely consider it to be the height of rudeness, I whipped out my Droid and texted/tweeted/Googled/Facebooked/Foursquared/Photoshopped intermittently throughout. Thank heaven it was an empty theater.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why.